City Proposes ‘Cyclist Oath’ in Bid to Eliminate Bike Lanes

In a surprising turn of events, a prominent North American city has unveiled a bold new initiative aimed “revolutionizing” road safety: the Cyclist Oath. As part of this proposal, city officials are considering the removal of bike lanes altogether, opting instead for a pledge from drivers promising not to hit cyclists.

The concept behind the Cyclist Oath is simple yet provocative: by asking drivers to take a solemn vow to avoid collisions with cyclists, the need for dedicated bike lanes could become obsolete. In a statement released by the Mayor’s Office, officials expressed confidence in the power of personal responsibility to mitigate accidents involving cyclists on city streets.

“This is a move that needed to be made,” said Mayor Herb Carfirst. “I mean, the city is divided, and there is an election coming up. We needed to do something.”

A city report confirms that all bike lanes will be removed within the year, even the pretend bike lanes using only painted lanes or road sharrows.

However, the proposed initiative has sparked controversy and skepticism among residents and advocacy groups. Critics argue that relying on driver pledges alone may not provide sufficient protection for cyclists, especially in densely populated urban areas. Furthermore, concerns have been raised regarding the enforcement and effectiveness of such a policy.

Apparently, according to a city report, anyone with a driver’s licence will need to take the oath when they renew their licence. It reads, in part, “I, insert name, do solemnly swear to drive under control, to avoid distracted driving, and to actually pay attention to other road users and drive blindly like I own the road. I also swear I will not run into, side swipe, door or otherwise crash my vehicle into cyclists.”

Despite the debate surrounding the “Cyclist Oath,” city officials remain optimistic about its potential to improve road safety and foster a culture of mutual respect between drivers and cyclists. If implemented,  the city would become a pioneer in alternative approaches to urban cycling infrastructure, challenging conventional wisdom and sparking dialogue on how best to ensure the safety of all road users.

A driver advocacy group responded favorably to the move.

“I think it’s great,” said Dirk Pickup, chair of Free The Cars. “You know, I see all these bike lanes, and you know it just makes it hard for us drivers to drive where we want. I mean, seriously, I am a cyclist, I ride a bike, I love bikes, some of my best friends are bikes, but it’s dumb, you know. It’s just making me feel guilty and out of shape. Who needs that?”

As April Fool’s Day approaches, the proposal for the “Cyclist Oath” serves as a reminder to question the status quo and embrace creativity in addressing complex societal issues. While the idea of replacing bike lanes with driver pledges may seem far-fetched, it prompts us to consider innovative solutions and approach road safety from new perspectives.

Stay tuned for further developments on the “Cyclist Oath” initiative, and remember to drive with care—whether you’re on two wheels or four.

Wink wink.